A Lily in Heaven

A Fangirl's Fantasy

2011-03-16T11:27:00.002+11:00

I found this stored in my archives of journalism and writing this morning, a discarded more casual version of an article from last year, and decided to give it a bit of polish and share it. Hope you enjoy!

A Fangirl's Fantasy

“I’m off to interview Matti now,” the Danish journalist said to me as she passed my desk. “Would you like me to tell him hi for you?”

A few days earlier I would have flipped out at a question like this, but several hours working in the Media Centre had made me very blasé. “Yes, please,” I told the journo as she pushed open the front door. “Good luck!”

The ‘Matti’ the journalist was off to interview was Matti Breschel, a Danish rider with the Pro-Tour team Saxobank and one of the top cyclists in the world circuit. As a true cycling fangirl, usually just the mention of Matti Breschel’s name would be enough to set me squealing, but when you’re a volunteer at the UCI World Road Cycling championships, running into the world’s best journalists and cyclists is just a matter of course.

My first ‘Eureka!’ moment, I’m very ashamed to say, only occurred on my second day of working as a Press Conference Co-ordinator in the Media Centre set up for the event. One of the 100 or so journalists floating around walked passed my desk, and I noticed the colourful Hawaiian shirt he wore only because he’d had another Hawaiian shirt on the day before. This guy sure loves his Hawaiian shirts, I thought, he’s been wearing them two days in a row…hang on, that rings a bell….didn’t they mention something on the SBS Tour de France coverage who loves wearing Hawaiian shirts…oh my gosh, YOU’RE Rupert Guinness!

Given that I’d been up til 2am every night of the Tour, pinching and kicking myself to stay awake and dooming all my uni assignments to hell in the process, I should have remembered the face of the guy who reviewed each night’s stage while we waited for the day’s presentations. At least I didn’t embarrass myself that way when it came to Mike Tomalaris. Well…almost not. Having cleaned the coffee machines, kitchen and refilled the fridge for about the 10^th time that day, I decided it was about time to make myself a coffee. Halfway through the cappuccino creation process, I turned around to see which country the journo behind me was from, only to recognise the distinctive hair of the SBS coverage’s host. I actually managed not to lose all ability to speak at the sight of one of my journalistic heroes as I told him of my 2am escapades and how much I loved watching the Tour. “Could I get a photograph with you please?” I asked him nervously. “My mum is going to love this.”

He was very good about the whole thing, even asked me my name, and it was all I could do not to scream out loud as he went back to making his coffee. I shoved my cappuccino under the machine and hit the milk button, buzzing with excitement. My Eddie McGuire or, well, whoever else commentates the footy these days was standing right there behind me! In fact, I was so absorbed in discreetly watching him leave that I turned around to find my cappuccino overflowing all over the bench. I could only thank my lucky stars that of all the journalists standing around in the kitchen, Mike Tomalaris wasn’t there to see me right then.

I actually saw that Danish journalist again before I finished my final shift on Sunday night. I thought she’d like to know that I’d finally gotten my chance to take a photo with Matti Breschel. As the silver medallist in the elite men’s road race, Matti took his place on the podium in my press room for the post-race press conference with Thor Hushovd and Australia’s Allan Davis. The journalist smiled when I told her. “Hopefully we’ll see you in Copenhagen for next year’s World Championships, then.”

Oh, I wish I could.

The Ballad of the Crew of the Young Endeavour

2010-12-22T09:18:00.005+11:00

The Ballad
Of the Crew of the Young Endeavour
Watch Officer Firefly

Long ago, in a far-off ocean
Whose name is forgotten forevermore,
There sailed a ship called the Young Endeavour
And her youth crew of 24.

12 staffies were on board also
To guide the young captain and his crew
As they sailed from Tasmania's Devonport
To their goal of Sydney's harbour blue.

So Tom was their gallant captain and leader,
And Joel was the butt of every pun.
Vanessa's new nickname was very well-earned,
And Kate was the ship's tomato-gun.

Rhino had some gender issues,
Mickael hauled ropes like the world would end.
Elle learnt her sails in three days flat,
And Zoe's enthusiasm was a real godsend.

Brooke was their quiet midnight achiever.
Gabe couldn't seem to climb into bed.
James lost his voice, though never his patience,
And Emmanuel was the infamous sleepyhead.

Andrew was the most fearless climber.
Kristen's backflip just didn't come through.
Izy was queen of the card table,
And the size of Zac's dinner plate just grew and grew.

Morgan was their Colossus of Rhodes,
Alicia ruled over the bridge like a king.
Nick was a rock on their late-night watches,
And Boris was always in hysterics, laughing.

Court cooked up a storm and found her new skill.
Harry captained Planet Watch to honour and glory.
Alex resembled a miniature haystack,
And Caelli documented their voyage's story.

Damien inspired them with daily quotes,
Jordo kept a close eagle eye;
Taffy just didn't know how to shut up,
And Joel's version of 'weather report' was 'look at the sky'.

Kim gaga-ed her way all through the night.
Adrian kept the slow climbers to task.
Bryan had them turn sandcastle builders,
And Kenny was always surprised that they'd ask.

Josh's rope races sorted landsmen from tars.
Leon's equal at hula has yet to be seen.
Snowy took food and turned it to feasts,
And Carly showed them what 'the heads' really mean.

Thus was her crew, who guided their ship
Through rough and calm seas, through wet and warm weather.
Thus, too, were the moments, the ups, the downs,
And the adventures these venturers shared together.

For when the Endeavour sails into port
Know you all that we've done something grand.
And what we 24 have achieved together
No one else will ever truly understand.

Snapshot of Young Endeavour

2010-12-16T19:43:00.001+11:00

This poem was written as one of the 22 tasks the Youth Crew had to complete as part of Command Day on board the STS Young Endeavour.

SNAPSHOT OF YOUNG ENDEAVOUR
Watch Officer Firefly

I tried to write it serious,
I tried to write it fun.
But when I sat down with paper and pen
I couldn't do either one.

Because we had both of these, you see,
In our trip along the coast:
Tears and laughter, frustration and hugs -
Here's what I remember the most.

Seasickness sailing Bass Strait
Wasn't exactly a lark,
Though the ship had an escort of dolphins, and
(If you believe Rhino) a shark.

Sunset climbing up the rigging,
Snowy's awesome food;
The weather was always touch-and-go
(It changed with big Joel's mood).

Setting and furling drove us mad
In seas both calm and rough,
But by the end of the first seven days
We were legends at the stuff.

Late-night watches, sleepy as hell
(Milo kept me awake);
Card games in the cafe,
A thousand lines to fake.

Tanning bodies in the sun,
Landfall was a hit;
The rope swing was great, though the water was cold,
And Jordo - what's the meaning of 'S.H.I.T.'?

Joel was always a minute behind,
Kenny's low-bar jokes,
Taffy had answers for everything,
And the frequent bowsprit soaks.

We've had adventures, both good and bad,
And shared them as a crew.
When you've worked side-by-side, as we have done,
Well - there's a bond between me and you.

So as we leave this ship tomorrow
And go our separate ways,
Hold onto the friends you've made for life
And keep the memories always.

365 Blog, Trial M - The Invisible Girl

2010-11-11T01:04:00.002+11:00

The Invisible Girl

Sometimes I wonder
If you notice me.
Could it be that you look
But simply don't see?

You look just in passing
And we'll both say 'Hi',
But then you keep walking
And you pass me by.

Just like a ghost,
A spirit unseen,
Your apathy makes it
Like I've never been.

Yes, I'm your friend -
The invisible girl:
I'm part of your circle,
But not part of your world.

365 Blog, Trial L - Hurt

2010-11-10T00:42:00.001+11:00

Hurt

I can't think without crying
It hurts so very deep.
It feels like a piece of me is dying
The littlest thing will set me off
And even without thinking of you
There's a tear running down my cheek.

I see visions of you, and
Sometimes I can only sleep 'cause I know you're there.
You never were before.

365 Blog, Trial K - The Space In My Heart

2010-11-08T23:24:00.003+11:00

The Space In My Heart

I hope you know when you left that day
You carried a piece of my heart away.
I didn't know you'd made your own place,
And so now my heart's left with an empty space.

And I hope you can see how you've caused such pain.
I can't seem to see through my tears of rain.
Did you never stop to wonder why
We said "See you later," but never "Goodbye?"

And the hurt never seems to disappear.
No matter what happens, it's always here,
And with every day that I go through
The ache reminds me that it's without you.

And with each passing day, I think it gets better.
No more croak with each note, no more pain with each letter.
Until a word or a song takes me back to the start
And I'm reminded again of the space in my heart.

365 Blog, Trial J - Tiger

2010-11-07T23:09:00.000+11:00

Tiger

A tiger stalking
Has just as mich grace and poise
As cats seeking birds.

But the common cat
Has a much smaller jungle;
He longs to be free.

365 Blog, Trials H and I

2010-11-07T00:22:00.002+11:00

Not Afraid

I am not afraid of death.
I am not afraid to die.
So when it's time for me to go
It's not for me to wonder why.

I'll never really want to leave.
I'll never choose to want to go.
But life won't let us make that choice;
If it's meant to be, it will be so.

Though the idea of leaving life
Scares me more than I can say,
In truth I will have no regrets
The moment it all goes away.

When you live a rich and full life,
Take the chance when the time is right,
Then death is just the next great adventure
And since when were you ever shy of the fight?

I am not afraid of death.
I am not afraid to die.
When life gives you something beyond all your dreams
What's there to fear in saying goodbye?

Wings for the Wind

What good would wings be
If you can't feel the wind?
What good is goodness
If you've never sinned?

What good is crying
If you can't feel sadness
What good is laughing
Without any gladness?

What good would notes be
If you can't hear the song?
What good is music
If you can't sing along?

What good is the chorus
Without the refrain?
What good is sunshine
If there's not any rain?

What good are the seasons
If they just stay the same?
What good is the picture
If there isn't a frame?

What good is trying
If there's no push and shove?
And what good is living
Without any love?

365 Blog, Trial G - Our Last Dance

2010-11-05T00:55:00.002+11:00

My first failure - I will confess that I didn't write any poem at all yesterday. I feel horribly guilty about it now, and I promise it will never happen again. I do have, though, a wonderful long poem I've been feeling for a while to make up for my lapse. I hope you enjoy it.

Our Last Dance

In every moment there's lots of things
We never find the words to say.
It's cause we always think that we
Will have the chance another day.

But what we never stop to think
Is we may never get that chance.
It never seems to cross our minds
That each night might be our last dance.

I think you always thought that too;
You've left so many things undone.
Shows to go on, memories to make,
Times to laugh and have some fun.

I think that you, too, never guessed
That life is not for evermore.
We think there'll always be tomorrow,
But nothing's fair in love and war.

I realise now I missed a moment
Of getting to know you like I could.
I'm sorry, and I regret that now -
I never guessed I never would.

I wish now that I'd stopped a while
When you came down that corridor,
And once you'd given me my hug
That we had talked a little more.

I wish I'd done the things you did,
I wish that I'd just known you did them.
I wish I'd been like you, and gone
Into the world to carpe diem.

I guess I wish above all else
That I'd have been a better friend
And that I could have come to know you
Before your story found its end.

As so I've finally learnt too late,
That truth and beauty never last.
Hear the music while it's playing
In case the song ends all too fast.

So please don't save that dance for me.
Let's dance here now, in the pouring rain.
We'll never know if it's our last,
So let's dance as we'll never dance again.

365 Blog, Trial F - Wish You Knew

2010-11-03T01:15:00.002+11:00

Wish You Knew

I've tried to tell you many times,
In whispers, photos, clever rhymes,
But still you just don't seem to see
Quite how much you mean to me.

You say you want to be my mate,
But lately things are not so great.
Whenever you make time for friends
Somehow, my invite never sends.

I wish that I truly could show you
My life is better now I know you.
I don't think you comprehend
Your friendship is a true godsend.

Your presence lightens up my day.
Your hugs can take my tears away.
Your quirky style makes me laugh
And in my duet you're the other half.

Please know when my love you ignore
My heart breaks just a little more.
Accept my friendship and my care
And know I'll always want you there.

365 Blog, Trials C, D and E

2010-11-01T21:12:00.004+11:00

Special treat today - three poems in one go, because I've been so slack in posting them.

Actually, initially I was only going to post the good ones, but apparently I'm now posting ALL of them...at least until my 365 begins for real. Go figure.

SATURDAY
One Question

You pulled out all of your black shoes
And then asked me to help you choose.
Two teenage girls, all dressed in black
For a friend who's gone and won't come back.

This is not where we should be right now.
If Life's a ship, we're at the bow.
We should be standing at the stern
With days to come and years to learn.

Youth should not be touched by pain,
Grief like storms and tears like rain;
But Death does not discriminate
And so you passed through his front gate.

I told her which black shoes to wear;
She packed away each other pair.
That's the one and only question
That I hope I'm never asked again.

SUNDAY
Watching Over Me

I never knew you when you were there
But now I see you everywhere.
I've felt your presence since the day
You took your own young life away.

Just like an angel looking down,
It feels like you're still around.
I'm not alone like I would be
'Cause I know you're watching over me.

MONDAY
Loss

There is no feeling
In my heart
anymore.
It's like it's made of stone
.
I know
in time
those feelings will come
But for know
I'm happy
for things to stay numb.
My heart will break
again
in time
.
Love you miss you
always
<3

365 Blog, Trial B - Memorial

2010-10-30T00:33:00.002+11:00

Memorial

There are pictures on the wall of days I can and can't recall.
There seem so many memories now I see it.
And the flowers on the stone show that you are not alone
And that your spirit didn't need your help to free it.

The letters from your friends show a pain that never ends,
The gifts, they show your special, quirky style;
And the poems tell of how they love and miss you even now
And the pictures show your beautiful wry smile.

The candles won't stay lit: by each gust of wind they're hit
And we just know that it's you laughing from above.
And the fact that you are gone we know will haunt us from now on;
Stuart, we just want to send our love.

365 Blog, Trial A - An Absent Friend

2010-10-28T15:42:00.002+11:00

So I'm hoping to start a 365 blog from next year, only since I'm choosing to do it with writing rather than photos I need to decide on how I'm going to do it. As such I'm doing a test run for a week or two and posting some of the results here, beginning today.

An Absent Friend
I don't want you to cut me out
I never want to lose you.
If I ever have to make a choice
I promise I would choose you.

I think you might be mad at me,
I really hope I'm wrong there.
'Cause no matter what you think of me
I'm always going to truly care.

You've made my days much happier:
You're funny; quirky; clever;
And I miss you when you're not around,
Which right now seems like forever.

Please take your place back in my life
And never leave again.
'Cause in any sort of future
I'll always want you as my friend.

Dusk Blossom Air

2009-08-27T20:19:00.000+10:00

There’s something funny about the air at dusk. Twilight time, when the sun’s gone to bed but the moon hasn’t yet come out to play, and the whole world is in stasis for a little while. There’s colour to everything, but a muted colour, shadowy, peaceful, and wistful. Everything is still, but now and again the breeze comes through, a restless breeze of change that agitates the atmosphere, creating a strange electricity in the air. Though the sky is light and clear, running through the spectrum from grey in the east to lemon on the west horizon, there’s no stars out yet, as though the hour of twilight is a world into which they cannot cross.

The blossoms at dusk are little white shapes on the green, their own little worlds nestled contentedly on the grass. The trees are bare skeletons, stripped of leaves like someone naked, but the branches are covered with many of the clusters of white blossoms that are yet to break into their own. Motionless against the darkening sky, the mossy beflowered fingers of the trees extend, parting to reveal a single star blinking and twinkling against the blue sky, for which precise colour I have no name.

But dusk is nothing more than a transition. The twilight time has a special, magical quality, linking the otherwise irreconcilable concepts of day and night, the sun and moon, light and darkness. The spectrum of the sky grows darker as the trees become silhouettes against the horizon. Dusk is the promise that the blackness of the night is coming soon, cloaking everything in its dark, concealing cape. Dusk is the reminder that the brilliant sun of the day was there, and that the warmth and happiness is not all just a memory. Night can exist without day, day can exist without night, but twilight cannot exist without either. Indecision can only exist when there are two alternatives to choose from.

Twilight is change. The air at dusk is full of the scent and taste of something different to come, and something that was not before. Dusk is the world acknowledging that things cannot stay the same forever, and that every day, no matter how warm and inviting the sun, must end to allow the moon her chance to shine in radiance beautiful. The magic in the air at dusk is the spirit of the winds of change.

Another blossom twirls through the dusk air to the ground, finding its own twilight as its day in the sun comes to a close.

The days of Peter

2009-08-07T21:03:00.000+10:00

In the study of archetypes, there exists the concept of 'senex' - the wise old man, synonymous with wisdom and sagacity. And like everything in this world it has an opposite: 'puer aeternus', the eternal child. The one who shall never age. The child who will never grow up - Peter Pan.

There is a certain beautiful innocence in childhood. Fantasy is real and everything is possible when you are young. There is a strange kind of beauty in the simple life of a child with nothing on their mind but childhood. Even in the teenage years, naivete can be beautiful in a world where we think our children grow up too fast into a harsh and cruel reality.

I used to have a Peter Pan. Someone who would never grow up, who was always light-hearted, funny and without a care in the world. Nothing could weigh them down, nothing was too young for them. So long as I clung to them, I could be a child too. With Peter by her side, Wendy would never lose her childhood either. Even as I grew up, having them there meant I would never lose all of Childhood's innocence.

But irregardless of such mundane things as love, childhood and innocence, life and time move on, and things change. In violation of all the rules, Peter grew up. The one who I'd always thought would never take life any more seriously than they did themself has suddenly left their childhood behind, and the cold shock of the real world lies bare and exposed in their wake. It makes me sad to think that that one last link I had to childhood, the epitome of my innocence and pure, unsullied thoughts, has finally made the irrevocable step out of the beautiful bubble of youth.

The days of Peter are past now. Gone are the times when having him beside me would mean I was five years old again, strong and blissfully happy in my youth and innocence. Gone are the times when I could rest in peace on a beautiful happily-spent day when the sun went down and threatened to spell an end to my joy, knowing that with him there would always be another day. Now they're transfixed with the mundane, meaningful problems that will occupy the rest of our lives. No more will the idle fancies and fruitless adventures be all that we have and want. Peter, you see, has grown up.

But I have one consolation. For all that I am sad that our innocence and childhood of old are gone forever; for all that perhaps I always knew deep down that this would happen. Perhaps I always knew that Peter would one day cease to be a child, and become a man. Perhaps I feared, deep down, that Peter, for all his aptitude at childhood, would never be good at growing up. But for all this, I needn't have worried.

Because Peter has grown to be a better man than Wendy could ever have dreamed. And I'm so very, very proud of him.

The world in smiles

2009-07-13T21:07:00.001+10:00

I see the world in smiles.

Each person is defined by the expression that crosses their face when something amuses them or makes them happy. It is the thing that draws me to some and repels me from others, the thing that represents their personality in a single action, the thing I will remember most clearly about them long after they are gone.

A smile is like a name.

Every one is individual to the person who uses it, as unique or generic as they are. And every person makes their smile like them, the same as we make our names what we want them to be. Smiles are the names our souls use for each other.

Smiles make the whole world golden.

A smile is infectious; seeing someone else genuinely happy is so sweet and innocent it makes everyone else around them happy too. I smile at the smallest thing because that one tiny action brings joy to others. A smile is a gem that can brighten a whole day.

I see the world in smiles.

Of all the things I love most about people, I love their smiles. Smiles beautify a person more than make-up or pretty clothes ever could. Nothing tells so much about a person's true character as their smile. Smiles are a window looking into someone's soul.

Smiles say so much more than a person ever could. That's why I fall in love with smiles.

Morts de vie

2009-07-13T14:43:00.000+10:00

Is there a point?

You always imagine it doesn't matter; meaning of life questions are for philosophers, not us.

But we are philosophers. All of us.

Because to live we have to die and there are so many other responsibilities that go with that. Do there have to be words left unsaid? Places left unseen? Loves left unfelt? Stories left untold?

Does there have to be so many questions and not a single answer to any of them? Do we have to be reminded of our solitude in amongst our humanity? Do we have to feel the pain and not understand the reason? Do we have to live in the light yet still be touched by the dark?

We are one, and we are many, all at the same time. Everyone is linked and what we do affects everyone around us, whether or not we realise it. Thoughtlessness should be a crime just like everything else. It can hurt as many people, damage them as irreparably as so many other things can. Do you consider what you do to those left behind? It's the most selfish move you could ever make in your life. And our omissions can be just as cruel. Those words left unsaid could be the words that save a person. Those places left unseen could be a catalyst for change. Those loves left unfelt could be the makings of a new life. And those stories left untold could be the inspirations for a generation.

We have such a fleeting window of chance that we can't wait for philosophers and scientists to tell us what we're here for. Are we pawns in the game of a greater being, controlled by them for a purpose? Are we controlling others in a similar game? Is what we do all part of a greater picture? Or is it only as big as we see it? Maybe we can't know, but we can try. Not to understand, but to seek for understanding. Walking to evil and embracing it is better than standing in stasis, watching it walk towards us.

A list. Of 1001 things down to one. Like a map for the road, so I know where I'm going even if I can't quite see it. Like a diary of who I am, plotting my course from A to B in a record that will endure beyond my time.

Just like Jamie, it will help save me from morts de vie.

Just trust me

2009-07-12T22:08:00.000+10:00

People always ask, 'Would you trust someone with your life?' and we always say, 'Yes', because we think it the ultimate show of love and trust to put the most precious thing we have - our life - in the hands of someone who can never value it quite so much. After all, they have their own life which is the most important thing to them, so our life will never rank as highly to them.
But did anyone ever really think about the implications of what they were doing when they said 'Yes'? Did it ever occur to you that maybe your best friend is the worst person to trust with your life? That maybe our own lives aren't the sole most important things we have? That maybe there is a greater thing than giving someone your life to show someone you trust them?
Imagine this: it's a life or death situation. The gunman is pointing a gun at you and your best friend and says that he will kill one of you, it doesn't matter which. What would be running through your head? Most people's first thought would probably be their self-preservation instinct - 'let him take them and I can live'. But then they realise who is standing next to them. The choice is simple - either the gunman shoots them, and everything ends right there, or the gunman can take their best friend, standing right next to them. And then if the friend were to turn to them and say, 'You choose', they've just placed their life in the hands of their best friend. So now you're standing there, with your life and your best friend's life in your hands. You could say, 'Take me', and everything is over forever, quick and painless. Or you could say, 'Take them', and you would lose your best friend forever. And because they trusted you and you gave their life away, you've effectively killed them yourself. Physically the gunman did it, because he shot the bullet that stopped their heart, but you thought the words that would end their life.
So when you're standing there with these thoughts running through your head, I think most people would say, 'Take me', because it's easier to sacrifice yourself and have it all end there, than sacrifice your own best friend and have to live the rest of your life with the sense of loss and the knowledge that you effectively killed them.
The worst person to trust with your life is someone who cares about you, because there's always a good chance that they'd choose to sacrifice themselves over you. It's a greater show of trust to say that you would never trust someone else with your life because you don't want them to ever die to save you, than to say you trust them that much you'd give them your life. To have someone else's life entrusted to you is a huge weight, and it's easier just to get rid of your own. Now, I would never trust any of my friends with my life, because I'm scared that they'd sacrifice their own life over mine. I wouldn't want anyone who meant that much to me to do something so trusting and so permanent for me. And please, never trust me with your life.

Because I'd try to save it.

Celestia II - Stella

2009-07-09T19:15:00.000+10:00

Sparkling
Like stars
against
the night sky.
Gleaming balls of light
their own self-contained worlds
Glittering, shining
as though they hide
secrets
of mystic quality;
different and
alien
in the darkness.
Lighting my path
like little sparks
shining my way
through the night.
Stella
she is beautiful
as are
her earthly sisters
second only to
Selene
in the night sky.

Celestia I - Selene

2009-07-09T17:33:00.000+10:00

"I see the moon/The moon sees me./God bless the moon/And God bless me."
I guess we all learnt it when we were kids, but we never really think about her. The moon, I mean. Selene, the Greeks called her. The Romans, Luna. A constant white sphere, hanging in the sky. Shakespeare maligned her, in Romeo and Juliet, but I disagree. I am soothed by her constant presence, and find calm in her quiet beauty. Unassuming, that's what she is. Modest, unpresumptuous. Just waiting there until she's needed. She is my solace and comfort through the dark nights.